Disaster is a natural part of my evolution toward tragedy and dissolution

this year has come to an end. A whole of summer of not seeing the mutual friends that I rely on so much every day to make it complete. the turn around of this is that I get to make new friends, and because so much closer with my old ones. Peer pressure is not fun, but it did account to some pretty fun times the other night. But like pat said in his journal, getting wasted as hell and having some good times sounds like a good idea to me. as long as it dosn't affect me too far down the road. I know i'm stealing ideas from other peoples journals, but i remember alot about this year as well. The beggining was not really that fun, but I remember when i started meeting alot of girls, and how much of a mess that was. I remember my non- existant milkshakes with laure. I remember all the good times with corey, and always going to the mall. Alot of good times with meghan. Going to alot of shows, partying with friends, late nights with tom and corey.

I can't wait untill this summer, but i know i'll be sad when it ends. i want to get to hang out with as many people as possible, and make sooo many memories with both old and new friends. please if you ever want to hang ut don't be afraid to ask

I do believe that my life has become better and worse at the same time.
The people I have mean so much to me. But sometime I wish that I could go out and meet new people, start something new. Certain people I feel really close too, but yet rarly see. These people mean the most, they are the ones I think about often, and they are the ones that I know truly care about me. I lay in bed, wishing I had someone to talk too. The persistant, uneventful, droning sounds of the busy sound rings constantly through my mind. I long to hear your voice, but this sound stops us from any contact. I lay and think of the times we've had, and how I wish we could see eachother more often. I think too much now-a-days, but it seems like that is what gets me through till the next time we meet.

Now that I'm in a band, it gives me something to do when, keeps me away from the thinking and the worying. It feels good to be able to express yourself through music, but it still be possible for others to interupt it in their own way. I have nothing else to say.

I do believe I have spoken.

Then things stared falling apart. He thought she was cheating on him, but at first denied himself. "That would never happen, she loves me more than anything", he used to tell himself all the time. He denied himself for months, but the last few months clues have become more apparent to him. He started to see through her lies, and knew what she was up to. This is what has caused him to be so messed up the past few weeks. What do you expect when you lose the one person that you love unconditionally, besides your parents that is. He dosn't remember alot from the night before last, but this is when he finally decided to go over to her house, and let out all his anger. Tell her what was on his mind, and what he really thought about what was going on. He remembers showing up, than becoming so enraged that he blacked out, Waking up the next day laying in his bed shivering. He still thinks about all the good times they had together, and even though he tried his hardest not to, he cries. Not just any cry, a cry that is full of emotion, one that only comes about when you feel like your helpless, and you cannot do anything else.. but cry. One that is filled with the raw emotions of fear, loss, love, and sorrow. Some people may only cry like this once in their lives, but he did it often. He was still afraid to go back to her apartment after what happened. He was afraid that she might not even talk to him anymore. But after he actually caught her cheating on him, physically SAW her cheating on him, don't you think that he should have a right to be mad? He had bought her flowers... and called ahead for the reservations. He planned the perfect suprise night for her, and everything was in order. All he had to do was to go pick her up, and suprise her. He walked up to her 3rd story apartment on the busy street in the town center. He was so happy, and was proud of himself for being such a good boyfriend. He knocked on the door three times with no luck." Hmm, mabye she went out to get something" he thought to himself as he reached for his keys and takes out his spare for her door. He made himself comfortable, turning on the T.V. Thinking about getting a soda, but than changes his mind as he decides hes going to get his moneys worth on this reservation that he has. He waited for a half hour, getting worried that he would have to call the restraunt if she didn't get here soon. Than he heard that familiar creak of the downstairs door, but this time it seemend to take longer to close than usual.


this thing is fucking long

i will finish later

i'm at school right now, and i don't think i have that much to say. i have been good and bad at the same time latley. I'm happy with my girlfriend, but sometimes i just wish that she would be more open about how she feels and what shes thinking, and how shes feeling. but i can't blame her for not doing it, and i'm still glad i have someone as awesome and special as her. School has been good even though i'm failing 2 classes at the moment, i feel like i have been doing alot better than ever. This weekend was pretty cool, me and corey hung out most of the weekend and did nothing but hang out, and we met some people from myspace. it was pretty cool i guess. I miss hanging out with meghan, and i miss her alot. i thought about her alot while she was going through this, and sad to say, i even cried like a little baby when i found out. i don't really know why, besides the pure emotion that i have for her, and how much i care about her. i sleep with her sweatshirt next to me every night, wishing she could be there with me. and even though we don't say much on the phone, i can still tell that we are both happy that the other is on the line, someone to be there for them when they don't want anyone else around. I wake up alot at night, and i make sure i have her sweatshirt with me, and think about her untill i fall back asleep again. she has no idea i feel this much for her, but i wish i could think of a way to show her this. This friday i'm going to be in a fasion show, and i guess its going to be pretty cool, as long as theres not alot of people i know there to embarass me. i hope that my face dosn't turn red in front of everyone, and make myself look like an ass. the bells going to ring in 3 minutes, so i guess i will update later.

imissyou.

again... its been a while

im starting to realize again how fake people are and how good some of them are at hiding it. i hate our school. i wish i had more friends who actually cared. but i really cant complain too much because i do have a select few who are very dear to me. my report card came in... and i wasnt really shocked about the 62 that i got in english, but more of the fact that i got a fucking 74 in photography. my FAVORITE class, and i had my second lowest grade in it. can you say loser? mhmm. i fixed my speakers on my computer... so i now have 994 songs of complete freedom again while im wasting my wonderful teen years away on this thing. so they put me in lit lab(reading skills class) because i failed english for 2 quarters. the only problem is i'm one on the best readers you would ever come across. i tried to tell them this but they refused to listen. so i tried to test out, and i had to get a 100 on the test.... they gave me a fucking 98. uhwell, if it will help me get a passing grade in english, i should stop. today we had a "drug survey" at school, i BS'ed that and now they think that i have done every drug that could possibly think of more than 40 times in my lifetime. i need to sleep.

its been a longggg time since i've updated. life has been good and bad all at the same time. im taking drivers ed, which is alot easier than i had planned it to be. i think that i'm the oldest one in the class... which makes me feel like an idiot, but whatever. school has been going really good, besides english... that class sucks so fucking much, you have no idea. i've become addicted to jolt. i will sit there and all of a sudden feel the need to have some of its carbonnated goodness. i dont think its good... or healthy for me but whatever.. fuck off with your health talk and vegetables..your diets and pills. i could care less.. do i look fat to you, do i look morbidally obese. do i look like i must starve myself to death. do i look like i need to throw up after every meal just to become socially accepted? no.

so yesterday dillon came over.. and we worked on his english midterm for like 4 hours, and i must say it came out very good... like im jelous of the grade hes gunna get kind of jealous. after that we wanted to go see hostel, and after debating for a while about what to do, we decided to go bowling with kate, dani shawn and skyler, which was a great choice i must say. i totally sucked ass the first game, and somehow managed to win the second one. i got to spend time with kate... and after debating with myself on the car ride home, during which some very unfortunate events took place, weather or not it was the right time to ask her, i decided that it was the right time, and thankfully she said yes. she has a way of always making me smile... even when i dont feel like. she makes me get all shy, like i always used to get like around girls i liked in like 6th grade. she makes me feel so lucky to have somebody who cares about me as much as she does... i hope this one lasts... i really do.

i think im done

feel the best friend love

"But I dont want to be a pirate"


its pretty much awesome, and all for you pat :)

He moved across the pale white ground slowly, still half asleep. He felt as though he was the only one awake. The sun was still tucked behimd the earth as he walked to his car. The identical houses are dimly lit, only to be told apart by the fancy cars so neatly parked in the driveway. The smell of cold was overwhelming. He was deep in thought; what was that feeling that he had while he was laying in bed last night. why had he sat up, still cold and fully dressed. Awakened by a dream that he could not remember, but must have been horrible. The sharp crack of his frozen door awakes him. He shakes his head and numbs his mind. He gets in his car, shivering as he touches the frozen leather seats. Staring down the road, he fights the thoughts that are so eager to pass through his mind. He thinks too much now and its starting to show. Dark shadows have formed under his eyes. Sleep has turned into insomnia. The few hours he does sleep in a week are horrible and uncomfortable. He forgets what day it is, one of the many reasons he was fired from his cramped cubicle, button up and tie, piece of shit job. He forgets alot now. He pulls into the Dunkin' Dounuts and orders the usual. HE tells himself that he does not need this one, but still gets out and drags himself inside. A large coffee with no cream and one sugar. This is all his stomach will allow him to eat these days, along with the rare doughnut. The lady at the counter looked concerned, but she never says anything. He makes sure not to look her in the eyes. "Nobody cares about me, nobody gives a fuck anymore" he thinks to himself as he mutters a thanks, turns around and goes back to his car.

He hasn't seen or talked to her in 3 days. She used to be such a major part of his life. He swore that he loved that woman, and though she felt the same. He had met her two years earlier, she was working at the local record shop. He was looking for the old Nirvana CD. She went on about how amazing it was, when all he could think about was how amazing she was. He struck up some courage and asked her out. After that, its was like any other Hollywood movie of stupid teens falling in love and seeming as if they would last forever. jkbvhslkdfjbhdflsbglsdflb

bsdfbsfb im done for now, my wrist kills. i will finish soon

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if
we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and
me. It can be anything you want- good or bad. When you're finished,
post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified)
about what people remember about you.

i'm really cold right now. i just woke up from a nap that i took on the couch. i didnt even plan on doing it, but it just happened. I still feel like im always in a bad mood, and i usually find that the few minutes between classes and lunch are the only time that i am remotly happy. i still miss her. i havnt seen her in over a month, and its killing me inside. i wish for one chance to rip my heart out and throw it on to a projector, just to show her how i feel for her. how i wish this could work. how i would do anything in my power just to make her happy, to make her laugh. wow do i miss that laugh. the kind of laugh that would make you instantly laugh when you heard it... make you fill with happiness. i miss holding her hand, ohhh do i miss it.:\ i wish it could be like it was in the beggining. back when we we're "soulmates":). i just hope that she never forgets how i feel for her.

Anyways, all my grades are good now, besides english.. which makes me happy for about 3 seconds. I hate coming home and doing nothing, i wish i could hang out with my friends more, they seem to be the only things that make me happy nowadays.

So christmas is like 12 days away, and it seems as though everybody is freaking out about it but me. The only reason i'm happy about it is because of the vacation. I love not having school, waking up late and doing nothing all day. either that or just hanging out with friends all the time... i loooooove it.


i think i'm done..

Thanks for the good times world
but i feel its my time
you gave me time to shine
I wasted it daily
I knew my task but failed
failed to do what was right
im afraid to fight,
Giving up seems nice.

yeah, that seems nice.

Goodbye World, sorry for wasting your time
-Chris

(wow im a shitty writer, whatever)

i feel like my heart has been thrown on the floor, stepped all over, and been walked away from



i dont know anymore. i tried my hardest, just to fail. i tried to help, and was told i couldnt. mabye their just not willing to open up. mabye they dont want help. i dont know

i've fallen in love with this song.. its always on repeat

its called brick by ben folds

6am, day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb
Up the stairs to her apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They're not home to find us out
And we drive
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her flowers
And sell some gifts that I got
Can't you see
It's not me you're dying for
Now she's feeling more alone
Than she ever has before
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm heading nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me "Son, it's time
To tell the truth"
And she broke down
And I broke down
'Cause I was tired of lying
Driving back to her apartment
For the moment we're alone
She's alone
I'm alone
Now I know it
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm heading nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

okay so im talking to pat and i was all like im bored so hes all like update. so i am. so this morning i drank 2 jolt sodas within an hour and i'm still feeling the effects. its crazy how hyper i was today, but for some reason it helped me learn more in school, i asked more questions and all that other shit. so i guess my parents are really going through with the divorce. i know its true because i saw the papers and read over them and stuff when my mom went to the stoore the other day. i have no clue where we are going to move too, but i told her that to had to be in greene/turner/leeds or i'm finding a friend to move in with. i think im doing terrible in school and i dont even want to find out my grades at the moment, i'll probally faint or something. i need to take drivers ed. i need the money to pay for it. whichh i need a job to make money. i need a ride to my job to make money. i need to take drivers ed to be able to drive to be able to make money. its a neverending chain of FUCKING SHIT. gjdfogjmkl;gg;lfgkdfl;gkfgl;kgogdf;gkdfgjildfmgok. i think im going to have a fucking nervous break down one of these days. im tired of trying to cover up how i really feel and putting on a fake fucking smile for everyone to see, so i dont have to answer all the fucking questions.

so brittany gave me a ride home today, which i was suprised about. i figured A. she was going to pretend to let me in her car, than drive off, or B. it was going to be really awkward. but it was neither, and that made me happy that we can still be friends after that quite tragic breakup. i went to her locker and was like hey, give me a ride home, and she was like okay. i was like really? and she goes yup, lets go. so we got in her car and played some bumpin hip hop.. than i came home and did nothing. gdgjiogjglogf i think im done for now. i wll update in a few days if anything happens. but i doubt it will, nothing ever does. hopefully i can hang out with meghan this weekend. and also pat. cause i love both of them, and i need to see them both. ALOT. i feel like they are my only REAL close friends
ms<3

im done

so i have a feeling this is not going to be a happy entry. three minutes ago i was all like hmm, im going to update, than somehow my mood turned south. i hate school. i hate how i tell myself im going to try SOOOOO fucking hard this quarter, i'm not going to fail any classes, and it works for about a week, and i find out that i'm failing classes. i hate routine. and i'm not talking about just classes. i hate seeing the same people(i hate seeing, not the actual) day in and day out. wake up, take a shower... my mom yelling at me to get out of the fucking shower about 2 minutes after i get in. my stepdad.. the only thing he has said to me in days is "have you fed the dog?" right before i leave for the bus.. which he knows im late for. i hate getting on the bus and having to sit next to someone stupid because im one of the last ones on. i hate LEAVITT. yesss, i think we have found the root of the problem... leavitt leavitt leavitt. i hate the prison. the bright lights illumanting the faces of all the fake fucking people in this school. i hate this house. my parents fighting... i feel so bad for my brother. He's always asking "daddy go, daddy go?" i hate how i have seen this coming for so long. i hate how my mom cant make up her fucking mind... i just want her to move out of this place. i dont care if i dont have to see jeff anymore, all he can ever do is tell me what im doing wrong.. always asking me to do things that he dosnt feel like doing.. chris start the fire, chris do the dishes, chris, fold the laundry, chris feed the dog even though im about 5 feet from it." ughhhh. i wish i could live with my dad.. when i'm with him, everything is so much better. hes so... laid back and calm compared to this place. i wish school was not an option. i'm guessing that my mom is going to start talking to jeff again if he dosnt file the divorce papers, and there going to be all happy and act like nothing happened. and thats when i'm really going to freak out, because i know thats its just a matter of time untill its going to happen again. im going to make sure that I never step foot in this house again if that happens. i actually wish i could never step foot in this house again anyways. i hate it, if you forgot from the last time i told you. sometimes i just feel like breaking down, and just giving up..even crying sometimes i feel useless. i recall a few times that i was sitting on my floor, playing guitar and i would just start to cry because im so confused. i think one of the only things that keeps me sane is meghan. all i have to do is think about her and I get an instant numb, like everything is fine. i just wish i could keep it like that and feel like that forever. I know that i probally make this seem like such a big deal... but after the last divorce that i had to go through, i was fed up of "making up". i hate how fake people are. i know my thoughts are scattered right now, but this is exactly whats going on in my mind at this exact moment. i want to move far away to an island with a constant PA system playing my favorte songs 20 hours a day, where i can live by myself and not have to deal with this teenage bullshit. i hate how friendships fall apart. i hate thinking that your close to someone, when come to find out they really dont like you much at all. i have had this feeling alot latley. i get parinoid now that people dont like me, and i get confused on what to do. i dont want to look like an idiot, but i dont want to become the shy, insecure, and when he talks has nothing good to say kind of person i used to be. i hate how people change so much... and i include myself in this catergories. i hate how people can't let things go, and can remember things that you have done 83957054735 years ago. i wish it could be like it was back when i was in holy cross, where the worst thing we had to worry about was not getting caught cheating in our vocab. books, and those middle school crushs. yes i remember the first girlfriend.. jami racine. i'm glad that we still talk today and still joke about how we held hand on the bus one time. i remember playing video games one day, talking to her on the phone and being so happy. i wish it could be like it was back then. i remember one of my first crushes back in elementry school, i remember one day i was chasing her around on holy crosses wonderful parking lot/playground and she fell into a pothole and busted her knees open, i felt so bad. i dont know why i remember all this. i loved camp 44, and how close i felt to some of the people there. i wish i could have like a 365 day camp 44. i am happy "relationship wise" right now... which is one of the only good things right now.

i hate how my mom is freaking out "how are we going to have a christmas chris? we have to think about moving, i have no money, we have nowhere to go, so on so on" and i keep telling her" mom, i dont care if we dont have a christmas, and i know that tyler won't know the difference. i hate how miserable her life is.. i wish i could help. i would hate to have to get up at 5, get ready for work, get a 2 year old ready for daycare, go to work for 9 hours, and be stressed out the whole time. have to go pick him up at daycare, come home, cook supper for the family, get him ready for bed, and be to tired to do anything after he goes to sleep. WOW, i feel bad.gahhhhhhhhhh


get me out of this place

can you see the signs?

im going crazy

HELP ME

goodnight

so i'm sitting here in the computer lab. its 3rd period and im really hungry. shawns sitting right next to me rambling about something to himself. today was my first day with my new haircut, and alot of people like it. even though i dont at all. Cat said i look like adam lazzara from TBS, but i think shes out of her mind. anyways, theres something wrong with my computer at home so i cant go online. and once i get my report card, its going to be a long time untill im back on.
so as far as I can tell, everything is going good with meghan and I. even though i dont get to see her this weekend, im still going to have my mom stop at her house on my way down to my dads, which i might add i have to help him move which is going to suck hardcore. anyways, as long as i get to see her for even 15 minutes, it will make my weekend. she just makes me feel happy and that everything is good. i hope this lasts, because she is such a good person, and i love being with her.
hold on thats the lunch bell.

ok. that was another boring lucch, and nobody would give me a dollar to get a value meal. but my mom packed a lunch so uhwell. well i guess this is the end of another boring chris entry. i have english next so wish me luck.

ohh ya, people should call me since i cant go online 946 3495

so the show was last night, and all i have say is that it was JKVHNDKLVGDKJFMDMJFIOdhdiojSFHNDFJHGDFJSDIFHVKLDJKFJDILFJIJDNDLKU(amazing)
i love the feeling of sweaty, drenched people coming together so close that you cant even breath to express their undying love for a band. i love to feeling that you get, knowing that all those people around you are feeling the exact same way. I loved how i couldnt breath, and i couldnt decide if it was because my ribs were about to break, of if i was seeing !!!U!N!D!E!R!O!A!T!H!!! live! oh man... that had to be one on the best nights of my life.. for more reasons than the show too :)MS<3. but i dont think i can express how amazing last night was, so if you want to know ask. and i will probally scream like a little girl at an N*SYNC concert.

bye

so the show is tonight, and i dont think i have been so excited about something as i am now.
i wish my mom gave me more money. i only have $25 (sad face)
last night shawn l. came over and we went to the maineacs game, and watched the sweet fights.
than we came home, and played super mario world. that was cool, exepct i had to blow up his air mattress by myself, and it took me about an hour. i almost passed out a few times.

todays my brothers 2nd birthday. i sort of feel bad for not being here all day to spend it with him, but im sure he wont notice the diffrence. we're having a party for him tommorow, so i dont feel so bad. im sill deciding if i should hire some strippers, or if hes old enough for prostitutes. mabye both in the same?

so im going to meghans later. than we're going to the SHOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! i guess they sold 600+ tickets and thats way too much. but want to come home with a battle scar/cast/or atleast bans-aid worthy wound.

thats all for now, i'll update sunday after the show

I’ve met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, “Why?”

Why did I cause so much pain?

Didn’t I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?

Can’t I see how we’re all manifestations of love?

I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God’s got this all wrong.

We are not special.

We are not crap or trash, either.

We just are.

We just are, and what happens just happens.

And God says, “No, that’s not right.”

Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can’t teach God anything

school sucks
i think im going to fail a class, but i just dont know which one yet
and that means that i wont be able to go to drivers ed
leading to me not being able to work on or fix my car
or even got to any concerts
or see meghan
or any of my friends at that

i cant wait till it starts to snow. i love the feeling when you walk outside and you feel that cold air fill your lungs. it makes you feel alive. it makes me feel like everything is ok. it makes me feel so hyper and energetic. i equally like the feeling of coming inside and stiing next to my woodstove and warm up. it remindes me of when i used to live with my dad and my stepmom and me and me sister would play out side all day... and we would build forts and have a blast. i remember always throwing iceballs at her, and a few times it was in the face. and she would run inside crying and tell on me. i remember how much i used to and still do despise that woman(stepmom). i just dont see how they let her raise 4 kids while she full out plasted day in and day out. if and when my dad takes her to court, im going to make sure i write the nasitest and truest letter, and make sure i read every word of if out front of her and the court. than she will see what everybody really thinks of her. and my dad gets full custody of my 2 sisters and brother. that would pretty much make me soooo happy. jigfjgldf;gjk back to winter. i cant wait to go snowboarding. the feeling i get when im going down that moutain.. like nothing can stop me.. i wish i could feel like that all the time. one of my best memories was when i went to a turn til twelve with ryan, and we boust about 4 red bulls. thats back when i had my mowhawk... and i spiked it with board wax.i remember going down the hill in my short sleve shirt, and the lift operater telling me that it was -10 degrees out with the wind chill. i remember being sick for about 3 days after that.. but it was worth every moment of it. i hope i get a season pass this year.. so i can go all the time and not have to worry about borrowing or sccrounging up money all the time

so underoath is in 3 days, and im sooooooo excited. i already know that this night is going to amazing, and that im going to remember it for a long time. mabye even a story to tell the grandkids.

so me and meghan are finally dating, since people have been asking me all the time. it took a lot of work to be with her, but im glad that we finally are together, becase she makes me so happy. im glad i have the chance to get to know her better, cause i want this to be something that actually lasts.. not just another person that i dated. i know that she feels the same so this might just work out this time.

i think im going to write in this more... i like how it makes me feel letting all this out.

goodnight everybody